your marriage will not fail in Jesus name.
this will bless you.
excerpt on:
the 3 big c in marriage;
communication, conflict and communion by pst akinola akinyemi.
Second service (9:15am); 8th Seminar at the 2021 ISMS.
Text: 1 Corin 12:11
Let me start by saying; Once we don't learn the proper act of COMMUNICATION, there will always be CONFLICT and this will prevent proper COMMUNION between you and your spouse.
1. COMMUNICATION.
How important is blood?
The blood has numerous vital functions.
Infact it's been said that Blood is life.
So many women have died trying to give birth; reasons they lost too much blood.
So many accidents victim died immediately- reason- they lost too much blood.
There is no substitute for blood.
It cannot be made or manufactured.
Thank God for wonderful blood donors.
If you appreciate how important Blood is, then you will really appreciate the Important of COMMUNICATION in Marriage.
Communication is to Marriage what blood is to life.
Little wonder it's been said that Marriage is 85% COMMUNICATION.
All the major issues people talk about in marriage – money, sex, dealing with in-laws , work, adjustment period, background difference etc are issues of communication.
Without effective communication there can't be good marriage.
Learning the act of effective communication will make us Live together in an atmosphere where love is and this promotes stability in marriage, which in turns enhances long life.
God intended that a man and a woman should be fulfilled in their marriage but poor communication is the strong reason behind rancor, fracas, bitterness, envy and brutality in many Christian home today (Gen. 2:25).
What is communication?
Communication is different from talking and speaking.
Until a person can see and feel what you mean you have not communicated.
The use of facial expressions; body movement, verbal speech and tone of voice are tools employed in communication.
In Communication,
38% is the tone of your voice,
7% is the use of words and
55% is non-verbal expressions.
You must understand that there is :
- what to say,
- when to say it,
- where to say it and
- how to say it.
To achieve effective communication: you must understand the
3 Important COMPONENTS OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION;
1. OPENNESS
- learn to discuss freely and openly – Gen. 2:25
Be open to one another. You can’t afford to hide anything from each other. Pro 28:13.)
- learn to listen to each other – Romans 12:10
- learn to Choose your time and word with Grace and Wisdom. Colossians 4:6, Proverbs 15:1.
2. TRUST:
To be effective in communication, Each partner must work at being trustworthy.
We must learn to keep secrets (Proverbs 20:5) and don’t use them as weapon of offense when you have misunderstanding.
3. UNDERSTANDING:
Good understanding will always bring establishment in marriage.
I will like to spend more time on this third point.
You can’t have an effective communication and a happy marriage unless you understand and accept that God made men and women different, and that this is a good thing.
Opposite attract before marriage but often repel after marriage.
Men and women communicate differently because they think, feel and respond differently.
Problem often occurred because we expect our spouses should think, feel and communicate the way we do.
Unknowingly most of us spend the duration of our marriages trying to change our spouses rather than valuing the ways God created him or her differently.
A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences."
Conflict will always arose if we don't master the act of communication mainly because of our difference:
DIFFERENCES THAT AFFECT OUR COMMUNICATION AS COUPLE:
1. Gender differences and perception-
men and women mostly perceived messages differently and this is why women love to describe an event with great detail, while men just want the bottom line?
Men are like Computer, women are like cell phone.
You will notice that both are all about communication but the computer’s communication is most often a one-way communiqué.
Cell phones, on the other hand, require two-party participation.
Men tend to use language to transmit information, report facts, fix problems, establish control.
Women are more likely to view language as a means to greater intimacy.
It’s an avenue to stronger or richer relationships, and fostering cooperation rather than competition.
In other words, it’s ‘debate vs. relate.’
2. Temperamental differences;
Whether Extrovert and Introvert.
Temperament explains why you do what you do.
That is why In marriage, we usually find one person who is more of an extrovert and one who is more introverted.
We usually find one who is passive( phlegmatic) and one who is more aggressive(choleric).
We find one who is a thinker(melancholy) and organized and one who is a feeler(sanguine) and not really organized.
In our home, Funke is the feeler and I am the thinker. In your marriage it can be the other way round.
When my wife and I are faced with a decision, I'm the one looking for the facts and the details. She's processing it based upon how she feels.
Each of us needs to value the way God wired us, differences included.
Sometimes facts are needed to make a good decision or to sort out a situation. In those times, Funke has learned to trust my investigative tendencies.
At other times, Funke may sense the deeper levels of a situation. When that happens, I have learned to trust her intuitions rather than discount them simply because they lack facts.
She and I are made differently, yet our differences -- used together -- actually make us stronger.
To be happy in your Marriage, You must stop fighting your spouse's differences and begin to celebrate them!
3. Love Languages differences
Take for instance, Brim is the type that always like to stop on the way to the house to buy things ( and sometimes expensive things) just to give to his wife- Someone might say that's a thoughtful gesture.
However, madam Brim might not really always appreciate that, she might felt like it was a waste of their hard-earned money.
In her heart she's saying, I didn't want you to buy me things; I just wanted you to spend time with me!
Or today's been Brim's birthday, madam Brim would just like to finish service and everyone go home and be fully together in the house.
Yet, for Brim, he felt disappointed when she didn't even give him a purchased birthday gift.
Communication is affect, instead of enhanced,
What do you think play out; different love language.
Understanding your love language enhance your communication:
- Gift
- Word of affirmation
- Quality time
- Helping hands
4. Foundational Differences.
Research makes it clear that little girls are blessed with greater linguistic ability than little boys, and it remains a lifelong talent.
girls talks more than boys.
Same research suggested that God may have given female 50,000 words per day while Men an average 25,000. By the time he goes to work, chances is that he's used 98 percent of his daily word store— while She, on the other hand, is ready to give him most of her 50,000—and she wants a similar number from him. But all she gets is coldness and......
Watch children. The girls talk and play in relationship ways. They're directing: "No, do it this way." They're supporting: "That's right. Put them over here."
But boys usually relate to each other through activities. They play sports, they build something together, they watch games.
Other differences results because:
• We were raised in different homes with different parents and siblings. Maybe even different cultural influences were involved.
• We were influenced by different friends and life experiences. No two people go down exactly the same path in life. And those experiences and people influence how we approach life.
• Our different educational, church, and personal experiences with God, all have a big influence on that, which we decide is important to us.
“Once you understand why your husband acts that way, or why your wife thinks that way, it can change how you feel about him or her.
That’s true even though nothing has really changed.
Compassion will come with an accompanying perseverance.
This is all because you now understand.
To have effective communication and succeed in Marriage, you must Marry Your Differences:
BENEFITS OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
A. It helps you build intimacy – you become best of friends. You can predict your partner’s reaction in every situation. (Prov. 2511).
B. It helps you nurtures truthfulness in your dealings with one another.
There is open acceptance and repentance when the need arises which in turn strengthens your relationships in marriage (Eph 4:15).
2. CONFLICT.
The best way to discribe conflict is misunderstanding.
That is our inability to handle this differences in communication that usually result in conflict.
Conflicts should not be confused with disagreements.
It is possible to have disagreement without hostility. But most conflicts always involve hostility.
There is no relationship that is immune against potential conflicts.
The sources of most conflicts come from our own selfish desires and passions.
In a conflict, the emphasis is always on self.
We tend to focus on “me” and “mine” – my ideas, my rights and my feelings.(James 4:1).
Negative Results of Conflicts
1. Conflict sometimes causes us to dwell and magnify the faults and weaknesses in our spouse
2. Conflicts can cause or create division within a relationship (Amos 3:3)
3. Conflicts cause us to expend our energies on unproductive activities. (Colossians 3:8-10).
Positive Results of Conflicts
1. Conflicts can lead to growth and maturity in a relationship if handled positively. (Proverbs 27:17)
2. Conflicts will always reveal the need for us change (Proverbs 18:15)
3. Conflicts also help us to become tolerant to opposing views (Proverbs. 23:12- 16).
Rules for Dealing with Conflicts
1. Attack the problem, not the person Learn to separate issues from persons.
2. Verbalize your feelings, but do not react with violence and abuse (Ephesians 4:26)
3. Forgive instead of judging or condemning one another (Luke 6:37-38, Ephesians 4:32)
4. Be committed to give more love than you want to take from your partner. (Acts 20:35)
5. Your love for your spouse should be genuine without pretence (Romans 12:9-21).
Scriptural Approach to handling Conflicts
1. First, make sure you are dealing with facts, not guesses, hearsays or assumptions. (Deut. 19:15)
2. As much as possible always let the initial confrontation be in private between you and your spouse. (Proverbs 25:9-10, Matt. 18:15-17)
3. After the attempt to resolve the conflict privately, if the other person involved refuses to agree, take someone with you and attempt to resolve again. (Someone you both trust without partiality)
4. If the person continues to resist resolving the conflict, you may need to dissolve the relationship. However in a marriage relationship, this option is not available for consideration. (Proverbs 20:3)
GUIDELINES TO MINIMIZING CONFLICTS:
1. Nip the source of conflicts or differences between you and your spouse in the bud. (Eph 4:26-32).
2. Separate issues from people - remember the good things about your spouse. (Col 3:12-17)
3. Study your spouse’s temperaments before you misinterpret them. You must take time to understand their love language. (Col 3:13, Eph 4:32)
In Conflicts resolution, Forgiveness is an act of our will that proceeds from our hearts. This is a commandment from God, which is not subject to human opinion or any form of private interpretation in order to feed our ego (Matt. 614-15).
The effectiveness of our prayer hinges on forgiveness (I Peter 3:7).
ALWAYS REMEMBER
1. Offences will surely come even more because of our own imperfections
2. But God has giving us grace to love people including your spouse. (Rom 5:5)
3. Hurts may come close but we can always adopt the principle of forgive and forget to your relationship.
YOU MUST LEARN HOW TO FORGIVE AND FORGET .
Commitment in marriage therefore, demands that you forgive your spouse.
Forgiveness is not just a feeling.
It is sacrificial in nature, its not just forgetting an issue; neither is it pretending nor demanding that the other party should change before you forgive (Col 3:12-15).
When you learn the Act of COMMUNICATION and Minimize CONFLICT, then you will really enjoy the act of COMMUNION as husband and wife.
Thank you so much.
God bless your Marriage.
 In Marraige Communication, Conflict And Communion By Pst Akinola Akinyemi.){kind=link}
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